Mugalomaniac.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Thesis on SAMS (Severe Acute Mugging Syndrome)

Intrigued by my colleague's report on the incident of SAMS (Severe Acute Mugging Syndrome), I have decided to conduct research and interviews with the current batch and an in-depth investigation into this matter. Surprisingly, I have discovered there are actually 2 causes of this syndrome that is spreading across the school.

1. Psychological
Several of the J1s reported having heard rumors about the extensive and highly prevalent mugging sub-culture in our institution. However, the extent of their mugging has led me to the conclusion that these rumors are severely exaggerated. Exaggerated to the point that even J2s are unable to believe their eyes.

While conducting this investigation, this researcher was put in danger while interviewing a hysterical J2 on the current crisis. "Make them stop! Make them stop! I'm J2 and copying homework!!! They're having their 1st 3 months and MUGGING! omigod I am too slack!!!" was one of the comments made. The J2 then shook this researcher violently before curling on the floor in a foetal position, muttering "J1s are mugging. J1s are mugging. J1s are mugging..." Fortunately, this researcher managed to call for help before all was lost.

Horrific tableaus of premature mugging were captured all over Mugland , of J1s mugging at the study benches, library, and canteen.

2. Conspiracy theories
Possibly true are the theories of M rays, which have been floating about Mugland recently. Allegedly, the administration replaced all our school's flourescent ones with special ones manufactured in Germany. The administration contacted a German research company doing studies in the area of human brainwaves, and contracted them to invent a special M ray emitter to be installed within all flourescent lights.

M rays were discovered by this German company in 2005. However, the technique of producing them was only perfected last last year, which explains the introduction of these M ray emitters (MREs) this year. Thorough research was conducted on M rays from 2005-2006.

Apparently, M rays are a special wavelength that affect the brain directly scrambling its own natural wavelength. It overpowers the need or desire to slack and relax, replacing it with signals that demand the body gain more information. It has no known physical effects to-date, and it merely increases the rate and tendency to mug of the average student to the threshold of pre-promo mugging levels.

Thus only with exposure of a few days to a week, hundreds of students can be made to settle down into the mugging mood, and to even enjoy it without fuss. This effect of multiplying the desire to mug only lasts as long as continous exposure to M rays is maintained. J2 will not be affected since they have already cultivated a natural desire to mug, and any MREs are ineffective.

However, there is a limitation. The sleep waves of the brain are on a very different wavelength, which is not affected by M rays. Hence although students may be eager to enter lectures, they may not resist the power of sleep. Whispers are going on that the school has contracted the German company responsible for the MREs and a Japanese research firm on sleep to work together to devise a new emitter to prevent us from sleeping in lectures too. Results are expected to be seen in 2008.

Conclusion
Hence, a combination of these 2 factors has a snowball effect which causes students to mug unnaturally early and hard. Hence the term, SAMS. It is labelled a syndrome as it is not an illness, as the symptoms stop as soon as the factors are removed.

Lecture delivered at 11:10 PM by -=[K]=-