Mugalomaniac.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Why Barney Exists.

As every good little child and educated student knows, dinosaurs are extinct. Wrong. There exists one last remnant of their majestic race that once stalked the earth that now walks among us, and his name is Barney. Bull, you say, Barney is a man in a silly purple dinosaur costume. Is he? Google Barney then. Go ahead. Can you find a picture of WHO is exactly in that costume? I can't.

And when I Google Elmo, I can find the puppeteer behind him, and the guy behind his voice. Now, why are Barney's origins so vague? This is what Barney DOESN'T want little kids to know. Wikipedia Sesame Street and then Barney. Compare the differences in page length. So, you ask, how did Barney come about? Aliens.

Barney was a normal tyrannosaurus rex going about its own business, which meant stalking about, scaring the shit out of prehistoric cavemen and them taking a crap on the hapless cavemen before giggling and lumbering away. Then, came the saucer. The aliens beamed Barney up into their spaceship (it was a very big spaceship) and then inserted a mutagen in him. This active mutagen kept rearranging his genetic material, so Barney felt kinda ill. He puked on a couple of cavemen before lumbering back to his cave.

Meanwhile, the aliens were perfecting their genetic manipulation technology, so they were trying all sorts of stuff when they hit upon the color gene. Swap some DNA here, and barney became purple. Delete this little chunk here and his belly turned green (and Barney threw up last night's stegosaurus at the same time). Of course they improved over time, and they shrank barney a little so he wouldn't stress the tractor beam too much. (Alien power is expensive. Have you seen the bills of a small flying saucer? Levitation energy, tractor beams, laser(s), warning lights, anti-skid brakes, stereo, hydraulics, yada yada yada...) So, they found a way to insert telomeres into every part of his body, and Barney became immortal.

Kaboom! The asteroid hit, and extreme selection pressure was exerted on all the other dinosaurs. Barney was in the alien spacecraft for a usual check up when it struck. The alien spacecraft sheared to the left along with the Genetic Manipulator, which inadvertently vaporised Barney's sex chromosomes. His, uh, bits fell off. And that is why Barney is still alive today, purple and green, and infertile. And the rest is history.

Well, the aliens found a way to remove Barney from his physical form and tranfrom him into a sort of floating consciousness. That's how Barney "comes from your imagination". He can inhabit his immortal body at will, but that's only on tv. Then they gave him a voice good enough to sing, a mildly retarded intelligence (so he doesn't attempt to expose them), and made him look a little toy-like so he wouldn't scare the freak outta people. And THAT'S how your favourite mutant dinosaur came to be. Don't forget, he loves KIDS. =]

Disclaimer: Barney is under the copyright of, uh, whoever owns his copyright. This is an unauthorised biography of Barney's life. This post was written entirely tongue-in-cheek, and only harmless humor is intended. No offense was meant, and no dinosaurs were harmed in the writing of this post. Well, ok, maybe their feelings were hurt.

Labels: Barney

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